The AA program talks about the "Unfortunate Few" who are constitutionally unable to maintain sobriety working the program. They are not at fault; they are simply unable to surrender entirely.

Of course alcoholism is a fatal disease for which there is no cure. It can be driven into remission through sobriety, but it never goes away. Even in remission it can prove fatal as health problems exacerbated by years of drinking take their toll.

My dear wife and friend was taken from me much too soon by the family disease of alcoholism. She was in so much pain, both physical and emotional, and she was terribly depressed by her inability to overcome her addiction. She was one of the unfortunate few.

Actually, if the truth be known, I think it is really an unfortunate many. I have had so many people tell me of their losses, even recently, related to alcoholism.

At the same time I have found some comfort knowing that in my loss my wife has been healed. She no longer struggles with the pain and defeat of the damned disease. She is at peace in the arms of her Higher Power.

Could it be that among the unfortunate few there are those whose Higher Power simply had to take home to heal? Could it be better for them to start eternity healed and at peace rather than having to continue in such pain and defeat here with us?

I believe my Higher Power, God, is all powerful and that He could have restored my wife and left her here with me a little longer. Some have said "yes but God gives us free will" and it is our choice that causes us defeat. I no longer believe that such free will is always in place as alcoholism sets in.

The Alcoholic, and indeed the Al-Anon, cannot overcome their insanity without the direct intervention of God Himself. Perhaps this free will is in the act of absolute surrender. But emotional illness and the lies the disease grips us with can interfere with the thought process that would constitute free will. After all if we believe in any degree that we are powerless over alcoholism then it must follow that God must initiate and do the work to heal us.

In AA there is a reading that reminds us there is One who can heal us and restore is to sanity. "There is One who has all power." The reading concludes "May you find Him now".

Hold my hand tight God, I cannot get through this without you.

Welcome to the next chapter of my life's journey.

My wife and best friend died 3 weeks ago. She had a long difficult struggle with alcoholism. She went peacefully in her sleep. She is no longer in pain, and she is no longer defeated. Before this damned disease entered our lives she had a real and close relationship with God. In the final months of her life she became more and more tired of the struggle, and I believe she was frustrated with God that He didn't just fix her. I have great comfort knowing that you cannot be mad at God when He is holding you lovingly in His arms. She's ok now, she's at peace. She lost her battle but her Higher Power won the war for her.

I don't know why God didn't just fix her and restore her so we could continue our time together. He could have chosen to do that. But He didn't.

This is the most difficult, dark, terrible path I've ever walked in my life. There are no easy answers and there is nothing that will make it all better. But I must find Good somewhere in all the Bad. I know God didn't bring me this far to go on without me. Nevertheless I am entirely broken, hurt, lost, and empty.

During the past year I have worked the 12 steps in my program of Al-Anon. I attend at least 4 meetings each week and I also get out to open AA meetings. I have grown a huge Al-Anon "step-family". They came running when my wife died. They haven't left me alone since. I truly know what an Al-Anon Family Group is today. And I simply would not have survived without my program and them.

There are very few places where you can be honest in your pain and have those hearing just hurt with you - without trying to fix anything. And that is what I need right now.

I work through stuff and figure out truth by sharing words and having others give me feedback, correction, and support. With my wife's death I've retired my old blog (Carl's Recovery) and have started this one. Thank you for following along. And most of all thank you for your pain on my behalf.

While I feel totally lost rest assured that I know through it all God is worthy of our praise. Thankfully He also tolerates our anger, resentment, complaints, questions, and tears.