Three and a half months ago when my wife died my entire world changed suddenly and completely. All my plans and dreams were wiped out in an instant.

That last drama began when I called 911. The lady on the phone had me begin a modified version of CPR until the paramedics arrived. They took over and I sat down breathless waiting for them to revive her so we could once again speed to the emergency room. We had done this so many times before I recognized the faces of some of the firemen and paramedics who were congregating in my house. After a very short period one of them came out of the bedroom to tell me how my wife was.

"I'm sorry, she's been down too long," he said. Not comprehending his message I asked "You mean she's dead?" He replied "Yes, I'm sorry." I broke down.

My wife and I spent 37 years married together, and we were friends for our entire lives. We grew up together in the same area, the same church, and with the same cultural background. Our past and future made up an unspoken design of plans, hopes and dreams. With one sentence that was all erased.

It was kind of like a lifetime was spent creating the most intricate and complex image on a giant Etch-a-Sketch and in one fell swoop it was turned upside down and shaken. Erased. Gone. Empty. Even meaningless. It was devastating. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment. And there was no turning back... no way to recover the dreams that were erased.

So there I sat with my Etch-a-Sketch, fiddling with the knobs scribbling and scrawling scratches on my dream board. I remembered, of course, that in the last few years of our relationship the dreams and plans we had were coming unraveled as the family disease of alcoholism crept further and further into our lives. But the master plan was always there. Recovery was still a possibility. There was hope of returning to the big blueprint and living out our older years together.

A little more than 3 months later I'm still sitting here scratching my head and wondering what to draw for my new plan. But before that plan starts to appear in any detail it is important for me to close my eyes and remember the intricate and detailed image that was on the board before it was shaken. There were a lot of good things on there. And, there were some negative things on there too. Indeed it is quite liberating, almost to the point of recklessness, to exist without a dependent or someone I must provide for. I am completely free to chart my own course. I can go where I want and when I want. I can live anywhere in the country I wish to. And today I can be happy or sad, insane or serene, without any excuse that points to my partner.

Wouldn't it be fun to let Someone Else turn the knobs for a while? There is One who can draw the most intricate plans and dreams, and who has the power to bring them to reality. I think I'll just take my hands off of the knobs and ask God to come up with a new future for me. After all, He's the only one who knows what's next. I vaguely remember a song I learned in Sunday School when I was little that went something like this: "I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future, it's a secret known only to Him."

My recovery is tied directly to the effort I place into working the 12-steps. The program provides me with the tools and framework I need to walk through both good times where hope and emotional sobriety are abundant and through the bad times when seemingly all hope is gone and my tears flow freely. I don't know how the steps work, but I do know they work if I work them.

It has been interesting to me, though, to see that the steps are not static or unchanging. Instead I believe the steps are by their nature dynamic, changing as we mature and as more information unfolds. Step 3 says we interact with "God as we understood Him". My understanding of God has changed significantly since I first came to Al-Anon. And that has had a profound impact on how I interact with my Higher Power. My relationship with God is continuing to grow and change.

Steps 6 and 7 say we were ready to have God remove our defects, and that we asked Him to do so, but they provide no direct timeline for the removal of these defects. In other words, some defects may be removed quickly while other take months or even longer. As the defects fall I change. This growth changes my view of the steps and how I work them. And so on.

Step 10 is certainly dynamic to each day (continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it). And Step 11 gets me in touch with God's will for my life so I can carry that out. For me that is not a one-time deal where it all becomes evident and I make a big, one-time change. It is a continual growing process. And as I grow the steps in turn take on new meaning for me and offer new challenges for more growth.

I see the steps as kind of a living, changing beacon. They are always in front of my growth, one step further than where I am today. I will never complete the steps, nor will I ever graduate from the program obtaining everything from it that it has to offer. It is mind boggling to think that something so simple and straight forward as the 12 steps could offer a lifetime blueprint for healing and restoration.

I've have heard many others tell a story that has become familiar in my own experience. No matter how long I have been working the steps, or how far along with the 12 I have moved, I can be transported back to Step 1 in a blink of an eye. People with years of the program say an event or difficult moment can knock them over to where they run for Step 1 to get a grip again. Personally I find great hope in Step 1 when things get dark and fall apart. I have worked the steps long enough and often enough that I know they lead out of here. I find great hope in Steps 1, 2 and 3: "I can't, He can, so I’ll let Him."

Today as I cope with the tragic loss of my wife to alcoholism; as I come back from my bitterness of anger and resentment in my hatred of alcoholism; and as I embrace a few moments, an hour, or a day of blessed serenity - the steps carry me in the right direction. So just for today I lift my hand again asking God to take it and lead me on.

My wife passed away in her sleep. The evening before she died we sat and talked for awhile. I told her it looked like she didn't feel well. She said she was just tired. Our conversation was as “normal” as it had been on any other evening. There were no indications this was to be our last talk together. I looked in on her before I retired for the evening and she was resting peacefully. The next morning she wasn't breathing. I called 911, did CPR, and then eventually learned that she had been dead for some time by the time I found her.

The Coroner's office came and did their investigation. Since there was no obvious cause of death they decided to do an autopsy and a toxicological investigation. The cause of death was written as "pending toxicology". About 3 months later the results of the toxicology study were back. The Coroner called to tell me he had ruled it a suicide; intoxication from alcohol and amitriptyline.

I've had a long time to think about it and I don't think this was a suicide. At least not any more than any of the other 5 times she needed to be revived following a reaction to medication or an overdose of her prescriptions. With previous events when the psychiatrist or counselor asked her if she was trying to kill herself she calmly said no, she was just tired and she wanted to sleep. After spending time reading about Amitriptyline I am further convinced that her death was drug induced.

Nevertheless, dealing with the awful news sent me into a tailspin. I got a real bad case of the "not enough’s". I was suddenly guilty all over again. I wasn't smart enough, handsome enough, rich enough, or quick enough to prevent my wife's death. Even though I knew I wasn't at fault in my head, I hadn't gotten the news to my heart. I was devastated. The dark night of the soul continued.

There have been a couple of times with my wife's death that I almost became a casualty myself. Depression is a really bad thing. The family disease of alcoholism wants each of its patients dead. It will lie and try to trick me into believing the worst about my qualifier, myself, and my God. I have gone through moments when it didn't seem to matter much whether I lived or died. There were times when I thought going home to be with my wife seemed almost like a good idea. Thankfully, though, I took the antidote in time: I called an Al-Anon friend, went to a meeting, or simply prayed to God to shed some light into the darkness and rescue me. Without Al-Anon, my friends, and my God to carry me away, I would surely occupy the grave plot next to my wife.

I am coming to see today that the Coroner's ruling of Suicide doesn't really change anything. He has no concrete evidence showing him she was in full command of her logic as she ingested the chemicals to quiet her demons and let her sleep. And when you think about it, continuing in active alcoholism is in itself, by many definitions, an act of insanity or suicide. There are only three outcomes: insanity, premature death, or recovery.

Today at the grave I told my wife I miss her terribly. My hope is that she is happy, joyous and free. I asked her if she was part of the choir up there, or maybe she had an instrument in the celestial band. I sensed she was enjoying the vibrancy of youth and the secure strength of hanging with God. I hope she can watch her children and grandchildren grow and live until they join her someday. And I'm confident she knows she lives on here in my heart.

God, hug her for me. And while you're at it, I could use a hug too.

I often speak about Al-Anon in my writings here. But it has been a while since I have explained what Al-Anon is. Inasmuch as I owe so much to the program it seems important to identify what Al-Anon is and how it can help for those who are unaware. In most places Al-Anon meetings are available nearby every week. In some places there are meetings every day. To find a meeting place near you visit:
http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meetings/meeting.html.

Al-Anon is a twelve-step program for relatives and friends of alcoholics. A group of Al-Anon members who meet regularly to share their experience, strength, and hope is called an Al-Anon Family Group. Al-Anon members generally believe that alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.

Al-Anon is not a religious organization. People of all faiths, indeed people with no faith, are welcome. It is interesting to note that Al-Anon members do not give each other advice, or tell each other exactly how to heal from the pain alcoholism has inflicted. Al-Anon does, however, provide a safe anonymous meeting place where everyone present "gets it." The Al-Anon meeting eradicates the notion that I am alone with the trouble the family disease of alcoholism has brought into my world.

I have known no other challenge in my life that was more difficult, baffling, and strenuous than the challenge resulting from my deep love for an alcoholic. I have known no greater pain in my life than what I have known from the effects of alcohol upon the one I love, and in turn upon me. While the stories of alcoholics who found release in Alcoholics Anonymous are sometimes known, the stories of Alanons who survived living with their alcoholic(s) are less known. In Al-Anon we find the unknown soldiers of this terrible war. Paradoxically these soldiers have had to lay down their arms and search for peace to win any serenity in their day to day world.

As I mentioned above, Al-Anon is not a religious program, it is a spiritual program. So what is the difference between religious and spiritual? In recovery it is said that religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell; spirituality is for people who have been there. In my own experience religion did not save me from falling into the hell of despair and insanity while living with active alcoholism in my home. Spirituality opened the door to a genuine partnership with a Higher Power who lifted me back to my feet and helped me find peace.

My religion taught me that belief precedes action. Religion said I had to believe first, and then everything would fall into place. In Spirituality I have found quite the opposite: action often precedes faith. My doubts and my lack of faith are not excuses to keep me from Al-Anon's step program and the family of members who will love me anyway. When I have trouble believing they tell me just to "act as if I believe" and the rest will follow. Indeed the program pushes me face to face with a Higher Power by the time I reach step 2. But it is not until step 12 where I hear about having a "spiritual awakening as the result of these steps". It is in working the steps that my faith comes alive. Sometimes action precedes faith.

The most valuable gifts of Al-Anon in my recovery have been my new relationship with God and my new "love family" of friends. The day my world collapsed with my wife's death I came to know the love of the program and the strength of my God. I was instantly surrounded by my Al-Anon family who lovingly carried me through the days that passed. I have never experienced that kind of love before. I never want to face what life throws at me without that love in the future. I am one who believes that Al-Anon truly saved my life. And for that I am forever grateful.