When I was in the military years ago a popular refrain was used when soldiers were traveling or marching from one place to another: "Lead, follow or get out of the way." Everyone had to quickly find their status in the pack or it would cause a significant obstacle to progress.

Before my recovery I tried to lead many more times than I followed. I found it quite difficult at times to admit I didn't know where we were going or exactly how to get there. Asking for directions was certainly a sign of weakness or surrender to the problem at hand.

Occasionally in my confusion as I led I would simply become an obstacle to progress. I thought I was leading but I would slow down or halt because I forgot where we were going. Then the group traveling with me would bump into me because I was just standing in the path.

One of my friends from Boston has a saying he repeats with a wonderful Northeastern accent: "You can't haardley git they'rrr from heee-rrr." That line accurately describes my insecure feelings on the inside even when outwardly I declare a straight-line path to the goal located on the far side of a labyrinth.

I am very grateful that the 12 steps begin with surrender. I accept that I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable. It is at this point of surrender that I admit I need a Power greater than my own. I get out of the way and start following rather than pretending that I've been getting where I want to go. The exciting part of this is that suddenly Someone is in front leading that knows exactly where we are going. It is awesome.

So in less than 2 years I've gone from collecting footprints up my back while standing in the way of progress to making some efficient forward motion.

What I've learned in this also carries over into my interactions with the alcoholic. Although I didn't know where I needed to go in my own recovery, it seemed like I always knew where she needed to go in hers. And boy was I in the way most of the time!

It was humbling to admit that she has her own God and I am not him. It was even harder to admit to myself that I had been trying to force my alcoholic to take a straight line path to a goal on the far side of her own life's labyrinth.

By getting out of the way I allowed my wife the dignity and opportunity to interact fully with her own Higher Power in the final months of her life on this earth. And although I cannot fully comprehend her end, I know she wasn't following my bad lead when she got there.

I am suddenly reminded of the three C's: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. In recovery, both for myself and my alcoholic, I need to get out of the way.

The first time is always sweet. Things may be repeated over and over again, but they are always made sweeter by the memory of that first time.

There was that first glance when our eyes met with desire. The first time we held hands my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. Our first date; our first kiss; and the first time we made love. Those memories are seared in my mind.

Over time it was our first car, our first house, and our first time living together. There was our first time making up after a spat; our first mortgage. Our first set of holidays together, and our first child.

Each of these experiences repeated over time, but each recurrence was firmly supported by that first time.

Then suddenly a first time came along that I wanted no part of: my first time without you. My first time trying unsuccessfully to revive you. - My first time kissing your cold cheek. - My first time telling your mother you were gone. - And my first time consoling your children on losing their mother. - You were dead.

Too many bad first times. I didn’t want any more. I became so hurt by these terrible first times that I considered joining you. But then you stopped me by reminding me of our good first times.

How vivid I can see that first glance! I can feel your hand in mine as I remember your warm touch. And our first date. - That kiss! The first time your body was next to mine.

Help me dear, as I face more new first experiences. I am having trouble with my first holidays without you. - Our first anniversary apart. - The first Mother’s Day without you. - The first New Year I am entering alone. - My first truly broken heart.

I need you. Visit me tonight in my dreams. Shine to me through the morning sunlight. Transport my mind to happier times. Hold me across dimensions as we reach to each other in this extraordinary way – this first time.

Al-Anon meetings often follow a predictable format with a familiar welcome, the steps, and other slogans, sayings, and admonitions about anonymity. After a while you hear the same things over and over again to where they become a part of you. There are times when the familiar loses its punch. "Let Go, Let God", "It works if you work it", "Easy Does it", "One Day at a Time", and many other slogans are repeated frequently. Meetings often end with members saying a prayer, like the serenity prayer, and. chanting "Keep coming back, it works if you work it."

Speakers Meetings are a little different when an invited speaker talks during the time normally used by individuals to share. Some speakers are awesome and I get so much out of listening to them. Others are less interesting - some are even borderline boring. But I have never been to a meeting where I didn't hear something I needed to hear.

When I first became a member of Al-Anon I was sensitive to what was said and done, particularly when a newcomer was there. It seemed so important to me that just the right things were said to convince the newcomer to give the program a try. And I was particularly happy when a gifted speaker or eloquent leader was heard when a newcomer was present.

A newcomer visited an Al-Anon meeting I was at one evening. Newcomers are greeted warmly at meetings because it takes a lot of courage to go to your first meeting, and because every one in the meeting remembers when they first started. My sponsor in the program was there that night. He often leads by example. So he went over and greeted the newcomer and said some remarkably memorable things. I was impressed with just how eloquent he was. After some others had talked to the person I went over and stammered my way through telling her how glad I was she had found Al-Anon, and I hoped she would find encouragement in the meeting. A speaker spoke that night sharing her experience, strength, and hope. She was quite good. It wasn't long before the meeting was over and we went our separate ways.

There was another meeting that weekend. And again my sponsor was there. The meeting started. After a few minutes the newcomer from the earlier meeting walked in and sat down. Near the end of the meeting there was a moment reserved for newcomers to share if they wanted to. Nervously she pointed at me and said "I'm here today because of something that man said to me the other night."

Instantly I lit up with anticipation waiting for my sponsor to hear what insightful words I had given to the newcomer that got her to today's meeting. I could see his interest was piqued too since he had talked to her at lengths that evening. She said "He told me to Keep Coming Back!"

I thought “That wasn't an instruction. That is an Al-Anon greeting! It is like saying Hi, how are you?" And I could see my sponsor's amusement as I learned more about just how Al-Anon works.

You see the important things that happen in an Al-Anon room aren't about great speakers and wise, advice-giving members (in fact Al-Anon’s don't give advice to each other). A newcomer hears what their Higher Power wants them to hear; nothing more, and nothing less.

I have seen it time and time again where a newcomer visits a meeting that is not the perfect meeting or where the speaker was kind of boring. I have left meetings worried that the newcomer won't be back because of something someone said, or didn't say. And yet amazingly the newcomer comes back telling how very helpful the meeting was to them. Of course I have also seen newcomers visit fantastic meetings with excellent speakers never to visit again.

Today I know that a newcomer's Higher Power cares about them so much and about their recovery, that they will hear exactly what is needed when they are ready for healing, and not a moment sooner. What's more, I can be an integral part of that exciting message with great earth-shaking quotes like "Keep coming back!"

A colleague of mine was visiting my office from another state recently. It had been a few months since I last saw him. I was walking through the parking lot when he and another co-worker got out of their car and greeted me. He looked at me intently and asked "Are you back?" He asked if I had gotten through the grief of losing my wife and had returned to being my "old self". I was caught off guard and had no quick reply. I greeted him and continued on into my work.

That evening as I sat alone remembering the events of the day my little dog came to sit in my lap. Before he settled in he stopped and stared into my face. I think I could hear him also asking "Are you back? Have you returned from sitting in your own mind crying?"

I must say again I was taken back by the question. What do you mean am I back? Just where do you think I've been? And how do you imagine that after just a few months I could be back to my old self to carry on? Has my distance made you uncomfortable to the point where you somehow need me to just shake it off and move on? Will I ever be my old self - the man I was before my wife died? And do I even want to come back?

With these thoughts racing around in my head I thought carefully about my journey. You see this is a place I've never been before and it is a place I never want to visit again. But having walked on this path I will never be able to go back. I will never go back again to where I was even a few short months ago.

My life's journey isn't like a day trip where I leave some base-camp to return again later. The experiences and work of climbing the mountains aren't forgotten when I return to the valleys. The chill and exposure from last night's storm makes today's sunshine warmer, but the warmth doesn't allow me to forget the vulnerability I learned when the thunder rolled. My world has been forever changed by the events of the journey.

I thought for a moment longer about what questions seem more appropriate. I would rather be asked about how I survived after I fell over the cliff when you last saw me. Or let me tell you about fighting the bear, staring at it eye to eye feeling its hot breath threatening my life. I can show you the cut on my leg or the rips in my clothes from trail blazing back onto the path more traveled to find you. I have tales of sleepless nights and terrible tear-filled days. And I would like to feel your interest in my heroic adventure. But don't ask me if I'm back to my old self again. Instead I'm forward to a wiser more experienced self.

Thankfully God nudged me a little that evening while I was thinking to get me to lighten up. It is unfair to expect someone to understand my dark journey that hasn't had a similar experience. Indeed it is flattering that some people are uncomfortable enough with my pain that they want things to return to how they used to be. They will be encouraged by my ability to smile again and have some good moments. And that is enough.

And it is enough that God and I remember. After all, some of what I saw these past few months still makes no sense to me. And though I'm back on the path with others for the moment I tend to keep taking detours through some pretty scary places. I've been through the impossible facing unimaginable pain. And with God I survived.

Indeed, that is enough.