When I first came to Al-Anon I was very uncomfortable every time I heard the words “Higher Power.” Why couldn’t the program just say “God”? I had to actually work the steps to learn the answer to that question.

The 12-steps require rigorous honesty. And it turns out that honesty provided the litmus test I used to find my new, Higher Power. I’ve always been religious. And I’ve always had God in my life. But it wasn’t until I began working the 12-steps that I found a truly Higher Power.

Here is how that worked: Whenever I would pray or sit with God before the program I wasn’t honest. I spoke to Him with “Thee’s, Thou’s, and Thy’s” – and I didn’t talk about things that I didn’t think He would approve of. Then, of course, there were times in my life when I wanted to be really close to God. I didn’t want to do anything that would mess up that relationship with Him. So I cleaned up my act and did things that a good person would do; dishonestly

It wasn’t honest because that isn’t who I was the rest of the week – and it wasn’t what was really going on in my head most of the time

So why was I being dishonest with God? Well, the way I figure it I was either trying to cover my ass, or I was trying to protect Him. Either I didn’t want Him to pull away from me, dislike me, or punish me, as the result of my honesty; or, I felt like I didn’t want to hurt Him by using the language I use with the guys Friday night, or showing up in my dirty clothes for worship.

The thing I realized in working the steps, however, is that if my dishonesty kept God from being mad at me – or if my dishonesty kept me from hurting Him - that in my mind I was controlling God, and He certainly was not a Higher Power. So I had God, but in my dishonesty I was more powerful than this God I had.

While I was living with active alcoholism there were a lot of times when I didn’t clean up so well. At these times I approached God with a rigorous honesty I’ve never known before.

When my wife died I went into the depths of my own little hell and I approached God absolutely pissed off and full of questions. With my recovery in Al-Anon I again approached Him with rigorous honesty. It was just me and Him. And I was a sorry sight with language you don’t use in mixed company, let alone before the Creator.

As He picked me up and helped me stand again, for the first time in my life I had a God who was more powerful than me – a God I didn’t have to control or fix. He is a God I can stand before buck-naked in my honesty who isn’t there to punish me, and who isn’t hurt by my humanness. You see, Al-Anon gave me the honesty to find a truly Higher Power.

Working Step 12 while at the same time grieving the loss of my wife has placed me in bitter-sweet settings. I am often asked to participate on Al-Anon panels in recovery institutions. Frequently I visit rehabilitation homes for alcoholics and addicts. Of course Al-Anon is for the families and friends of alcoholics, so most of the time we speak to family members who are visiting someone in recovery.

Lately I have begun to be more hesitant when I am asked to be on one of these panels. The past couple of times I have shared my story there has been a person or two visiting that are shocked to hear an unhappy ending in a house of hope. Almost without exception those visiting alcoholics and addicts in rehab are expecting a full recovery for their alcoholic/addict once they are released from several weeks of sober living. And thankfully it can and does go that way for many. But for others the path is more difficult.

In Alcoholics Anonymous they often talk about the alcoholic who must die so others can live. The thought seems to be that the tragic endings for some really illuminate the way for others, pushing them along in their program. But to a mother of an alcoholic child, or the wife of an addicted husband, the moment of realization that there is even a remote possibility for failure is a terribly painful moment. They even ask out loud how my story fits into their lessons for serenity. And it is in these moments of clarity that I am uncomfortable with my story. I am no poster child for happy endings.

As I worked my 11th step a couple of months ago I decided to begin attending church again, something I set aside years ago in my isolation. I visited a couple of churches and found one where I seem to be connecting with my Higher Power in a good way. I suspect I will stay in this church for a while.

At this point however it is not about people and socializing, or about some need to be a part of a family. I have satisfied those needs in my 12-step program. It is about a more intimate relationship with God Himself.

Recovery for me often is not comfortable. Wrestling with unfamiliar actions and new understandings of insight is difficult. My time in grief has been the most difficult passage I have ever entered.

God used a song in church this week to show me an area I have not given to Him yet. The lyrics of the exuberant tune say "you give, you take away, my heart will always say, blessed be your name."

In working the steps I know that I am certainly powerless over alcohol and addiction. And I believe completely that there is One who has all power. But I was completely without praise for God while thinking about what the disease of alcohol has taken from me. And there I stood, tears streaming down my face, choking on the words "blessed be your name".

And then it hit me. I was sitting in a 30 day rehab house angry at God for sharing with me that sometimes life is really crappy even in His care and protection. But every loss I see, every grief I encounter, and every ending I come to came about solely through His gifts and love. I wouldn't have felt such terrible pain in my wife's death unless He first made my wife, put her in my path, gave her the capacity to love me, and gave us years and years to embrace each other.

There is no loss that exceeds the gift itself.

Thank you God for such a wonderful gift! "You give, you take away, Blessed be Your name!"

When I was in the military years ago a popular refrain was used when soldiers were traveling or marching from one place to another: "Lead, follow or get out of the way." Everyone had to quickly find their status in the pack or it would cause a significant obstacle to progress.

Before my recovery I tried to lead many more times than I followed. I found it quite difficult at times to admit I didn't know where we were going or exactly how to get there. Asking for directions was certainly a sign of weakness or surrender to the problem at hand.

Occasionally in my confusion as I led I would simply become an obstacle to progress. I thought I was leading but I would slow down or halt because I forgot where we were going. Then the group traveling with me would bump into me because I was just standing in the path.

One of my friends from Boston has a saying he repeats with a wonderful Northeastern accent: "You can't haardley git they'rrr from heee-rrr." That line accurately describes my insecure feelings on the inside even when outwardly I declare a straight-line path to the goal located on the far side of a labyrinth.

I am very grateful that the 12 steps begin with surrender. I accept that I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable. It is at this point of surrender that I admit I need a Power greater than my own. I get out of the way and start following rather than pretending that I've been getting where I want to go. The exciting part of this is that suddenly Someone is in front leading that knows exactly where we are going. It is awesome.

So in less than 2 years I've gone from collecting footprints up my back while standing in the way of progress to making some efficient forward motion.

What I've learned in this also carries over into my interactions with the alcoholic. Although I didn't know where I needed to go in my own recovery, it seemed like I always knew where she needed to go in hers. And boy was I in the way most of the time!

It was humbling to admit that she has her own God and I am not him. It was even harder to admit to myself that I had been trying to force my alcoholic to take a straight line path to a goal on the far side of her own life's labyrinth.

By getting out of the way I allowed my wife the dignity and opportunity to interact fully with her own Higher Power in the final months of her life on this earth. And although I cannot fully comprehend her end, I know she wasn't following my bad lead when she got there.

I am suddenly reminded of the three C's: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. In recovery, both for myself and my alcoholic, I need to get out of the way.

The first time is always sweet. Things may be repeated over and over again, but they are always made sweeter by the memory of that first time.

There was that first glance when our eyes met with desire. The first time we held hands my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. Our first date; our first kiss; and the first time we made love. Those memories are seared in my mind.

Over time it was our first car, our first house, and our first time living together. There was our first time making up after a spat; our first mortgage. Our first set of holidays together, and our first child.

Each of these experiences repeated over time, but each recurrence was firmly supported by that first time.

Then suddenly a first time came along that I wanted no part of: my first time without you. My first time trying unsuccessfully to revive you. - My first time kissing your cold cheek. - My first time telling your mother you were gone. - And my first time consoling your children on losing their mother. - You were dead.

Too many bad first times. I didn’t want any more. I became so hurt by these terrible first times that I considered joining you. But then you stopped me by reminding me of our good first times.

How vivid I can see that first glance! I can feel your hand in mine as I remember your warm touch. And our first date. - That kiss! The first time your body was next to mine.

Help me dear, as I face more new first experiences. I am having trouble with my first holidays without you. - Our first anniversary apart. - The first Mother’s Day without you. - The first New Year I am entering alone. - My first truly broken heart.

I need you. Visit me tonight in my dreams. Shine to me through the morning sunlight. Transport my mind to happier times. Hold me across dimensions as we reach to each other in this extraordinary way – this first time.

Al-Anon meetings often follow a predictable format with a familiar welcome, the steps, and other slogans, sayings, and admonitions about anonymity. After a while you hear the same things over and over again to where they become a part of you. There are times when the familiar loses its punch. "Let Go, Let God", "It works if you work it", "Easy Does it", "One Day at a Time", and many other slogans are repeated frequently. Meetings often end with members saying a prayer, like the serenity prayer, and. chanting "Keep coming back, it works if you work it."

Speakers Meetings are a little different when an invited speaker talks during the time normally used by individuals to share. Some speakers are awesome and I get so much out of listening to them. Others are less interesting - some are even borderline boring. But I have never been to a meeting where I didn't hear something I needed to hear.

When I first became a member of Al-Anon I was sensitive to what was said and done, particularly when a newcomer was there. It seemed so important to me that just the right things were said to convince the newcomer to give the program a try. And I was particularly happy when a gifted speaker or eloquent leader was heard when a newcomer was present.

A newcomer visited an Al-Anon meeting I was at one evening. Newcomers are greeted warmly at meetings because it takes a lot of courage to go to your first meeting, and because every one in the meeting remembers when they first started. My sponsor in the program was there that night. He often leads by example. So he went over and greeted the newcomer and said some remarkably memorable things. I was impressed with just how eloquent he was. After some others had talked to the person I went over and stammered my way through telling her how glad I was she had found Al-Anon, and I hoped she would find encouragement in the meeting. A speaker spoke that night sharing her experience, strength, and hope. She was quite good. It wasn't long before the meeting was over and we went our separate ways.

There was another meeting that weekend. And again my sponsor was there. The meeting started. After a few minutes the newcomer from the earlier meeting walked in and sat down. Near the end of the meeting there was a moment reserved for newcomers to share if they wanted to. Nervously she pointed at me and said "I'm here today because of something that man said to me the other night."

Instantly I lit up with anticipation waiting for my sponsor to hear what insightful words I had given to the newcomer that got her to today's meeting. I could see his interest was piqued too since he had talked to her at lengths that evening. She said "He told me to Keep Coming Back!"

I thought “That wasn't an instruction. That is an Al-Anon greeting! It is like saying Hi, how are you?" And I could see my sponsor's amusement as I learned more about just how Al-Anon works.

You see the important things that happen in an Al-Anon room aren't about great speakers and wise, advice-giving members (in fact Al-Anon’s don't give advice to each other). A newcomer hears what their Higher Power wants them to hear; nothing more, and nothing less.

I have seen it time and time again where a newcomer visits a meeting that is not the perfect meeting or where the speaker was kind of boring. I have left meetings worried that the newcomer won't be back because of something someone said, or didn't say. And yet amazingly the newcomer comes back telling how very helpful the meeting was to them. Of course I have also seen newcomers visit fantastic meetings with excellent speakers never to visit again.

Today I know that a newcomer's Higher Power cares about them so much and about their recovery, that they will hear exactly what is needed when they are ready for healing, and not a moment sooner. What's more, I can be an integral part of that exciting message with great earth-shaking quotes like "Keep coming back!"