When I was in the military years ago a popular refrain was used when soldiers were traveling or marching from one place to another: "Lead, follow or get out of the way." Everyone had to quickly find their status in the pack or it would cause a significant obstacle to progress.

Before my recovery I tried to lead many more times than I followed. I found it quite difficult at times to admit I didn't know where we were going or exactly how to get there. Asking for directions was certainly a sign of weakness or surrender to the problem at hand.

Occasionally in my confusion as I led I would simply become an obstacle to progress. I thought I was leading but I would slow down or halt because I forgot where we were going. Then the group traveling with me would bump into me because I was just standing in the path.

One of my friends from Boston has a saying he repeats with a wonderful Northeastern accent: "You can't haardley git they'rrr from heee-rrr." That line accurately describes my insecure feelings on the inside even when outwardly I declare a straight-line path to the goal located on the far side of a labyrinth.

I am very grateful that the 12 steps begin with surrender. I accept that I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable. It is at this point of surrender that I admit I need a Power greater than my own. I get out of the way and start following rather than pretending that I've been getting where I want to go. The exciting part of this is that suddenly Someone is in front leading that knows exactly where we are going. It is awesome.

So in less than 2 years I've gone from collecting footprints up my back while standing in the way of progress to making some efficient forward motion.

What I've learned in this also carries over into my interactions with the alcoholic. Although I didn't know where I needed to go in my own recovery, it seemed like I always knew where she needed to go in hers. And boy was I in the way most of the time!

It was humbling to admit that she has her own God and I am not him. It was even harder to admit to myself that I had been trying to force my alcoholic to take a straight line path to a goal on the far side of her own life's labyrinth.

By getting out of the way I allowed my wife the dignity and opportunity to interact fully with her own Higher Power in the final months of her life on this earth. And although I cannot fully comprehend her end, I know she wasn't following my bad lead when she got there.

I am suddenly reminded of the three C's: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. In recovery, both for myself and my alcoholic, I need to get out of the way.