When I first came to Al-Anon I was very uncomfortable every time I heard the words “Higher Power.” Why couldn’t the program just say “God”? I had to actually work the steps to learn the answer to that question.

The 12-steps require rigorous honesty. And it turns out that honesty provided the litmus test I used to find my new, Higher Power. I’ve always been religious. And I’ve always had God in my life. But it wasn’t until I began working the 12-steps that I found a truly Higher Power.

Here is how that worked: Whenever I would pray or sit with God before the program I wasn’t honest. I spoke to Him with “Thee’s, Thou’s, and Thy’s” – and I didn’t talk about things that I didn’t think He would approve of. Then, of course, there were times in my life when I wanted to be really close to God. I didn’t want to do anything that would mess up that relationship with Him. So I cleaned up my act and did things that a good person would do; dishonestly

It wasn’t honest because that isn’t who I was the rest of the week – and it wasn’t what was really going on in my head most of the time

So why was I being dishonest with God? Well, the way I figure it I was either trying to cover my ass, or I was trying to protect Him. Either I didn’t want Him to pull away from me, dislike me, or punish me, as the result of my honesty; or, I felt like I didn’t want to hurt Him by using the language I use with the guys Friday night, or showing up in my dirty clothes for worship.

The thing I realized in working the steps, however, is that if my dishonesty kept God from being mad at me – or if my dishonesty kept me from hurting Him - that in my mind I was controlling God, and He certainly was not a Higher Power. So I had God, but in my dishonesty I was more powerful than this God I had.

While I was living with active alcoholism there were a lot of times when I didn’t clean up so well. At these times I approached God with a rigorous honesty I’ve never known before.

When my wife died I went into the depths of my own little hell and I approached God absolutely pissed off and full of questions. With my recovery in Al-Anon I again approached Him with rigorous honesty. It was just me and Him. And I was a sorry sight with language you don’t use in mixed company, let alone before the Creator.

As He picked me up and helped me stand again, for the first time in my life I had a God who was more powerful than me – a God I didn’t have to control or fix. He is a God I can stand before buck-naked in my honesty who isn’t there to punish me, and who isn’t hurt by my humanness. You see, Al-Anon gave me the honesty to find a truly Higher Power.