My journal entries have mostly been about my journey in Al-Anon, a 12-step program for families and friends of alcoholics. My notes have been mostly flattering, describing the positive and useful practices and growing opportunities in the rooms and steps of Al-Anon. I realize, however, that I’ve touted “rigorous honesty” as a necessity for spiritual growth within the program. And I’ve come far enough along that I am able to honestly examine some of the things within the rooms and fellowship of Al-Anon that may not be positive or helpful. In rigorous honesty it seems appropriate then to document some of these potential troubles or pitfalls within the people of the program so I will remember and possibly avoid falling into these traps as I continue to grow.

One of the first things that becomes quite clear is that when it comes to healing and restoration it is not the years in the program, but the program in the years. Some members who have been in program for 15, 20 or even 25 years have made significant progress and are real beacons of recovery. Unfortunately, however, there are some who have been in the program for a very long time who are still sadly broken. And occasionally these same people have as their mission telling newcomers and people going through their 12 steps for the first time exactly how it is done. These are people who spend more than their share of time in a meeting preaching or presenting their version of how things work – bordering on giving advice. Sometimes these are people who are stuck with a particular part of their healing. Perhaps they were hurt by a man in their life and today still expound the simple notion of “women good, men bad.” Maybe they have all the answers with their religion and use the rooms of Al-Anon to promote particular religious tenets. Or perhaps they see Al-Anon as a social network in which to promote their life calling or profession. Each of these things is inappropriate in any 12-step program but they can, nonetheless, be found. For me it is healthy to realize that everyone in recovery is there for a reason. Often I have to take what I like and leave the rest. And once in a great while I actually have to set up a boundary with another member for my own recovery and recognize that they are not a positive source of healing and restoration for me.

Another trouble spot, particularly for single members or those going through marital problems, has to do with trying to flirt, couple, or date within the rooms of recovery. Quite simply I have found that this isn’t the place for that. It is a fairly common theme in Alcoholic’s Anonymous, and it can be heard in Al-Anon conversations as well: using my 12-step program as a vehicle to hook up romantically is just not a good idea. It seems just as common, however, for me to ignore that admonition and flirt with more trouble in my life.

My sponsor says it rather crassly: “Don’t shit where you eat.” My recovery, and perhaps my very survival, requires my participation in Al-Anon meetings and fellowship with members working their program. I “eat” in the rooms of recovery. Chasing someone romantically, even in play or simple flirtation, can (and often does) end badly. Someone’s feelings or ego gets hurt, and then there is embarrassment and/or resentment and I have a real mess in the place where I eat. Now I have to face the mess in maturity or avoid the mess by not going to the place I need to survive. Of course that is all very “high school” so I believe I am above that in maturity. But, to my chagrin, my experience has taught me I am very immature in this area: I bruise really easily when things go wrong. And going back into a room with someone who I let hurt me (or someone I have hurt) romantically can be a real growth challenge. Note to self: avoid it at all costs.

Now, just in case I ignore the first part of this admonition to myself I need to write down some other details I must remember in the lonely moments of my recovery when it comes to chasing members of the opposite sex who are actively working their program. These are some other very good reasons to avoid coupling in the rooms of recovery.

Flirting with someone working the 12-steps for me is like sitting in the barber’s chair with shaving cream lathered all over my face and watching the barber had a pretty lady a straight razor for the first time, letting her practice on me. Often those of us in recovery are learning new skills we’ve never tried before. There are things like setting boundaries, taking care of myself instead of someone else, allowing myself to feel my own emotions for the first time in a really long time, giving others the dignity to crash and burn, and many other life-changing concepts new to me. These things are all new to the pretty lady with the straight razor too. At the very best I’m going to be bloody when she’s through practicing on me. At the worst she’ll lob off my head and say “oops!”

And since I’m really slow at listening to my own good advice I must record one more thought on the subject. Someone seriously working a 12-step program has a good sponsor in the wings. My best flirting practices and games might impress the one I’m chasing, but it is likely that a sage sponsor is going to see through them. I’m not just courting the girl I’m chasing – I’m courting her sponsor too. And in the early days of someone’s program they can lean on their sponsor a lot. It is best for me just not to go there.

Of course you have probably concluded by my repetition in kicking this sleeping dog that I’m not listening to myself. So I must confess to you that part of the reason I am writing these things down is so I won’t be able to play the martyr or wallow in self-pity when I get hurt ignoring my own best advice. But, better still, these notes might be just enough to help me through those lonely moments with my brain is on pause.