I enjoy study and learning. There is a great sense of fulfillment in mastering new academic or theoretical explanation. It is as though there is a certain tension inside me that is allowed to sleep in peace when I hand it an answer previously unknown. Conversely when some new problem or challenge presents itself my entire being alerts itself and I have a newfound purpose to unravel this new secret of the universe.

Years ago when my career choice required passage of a difficult government examination I didn't have the money to pay for the extensive schooling needed to pass the test. I couldn't afford the high tuition to obtain time with the teachers who would explain what I needed to know. But I was unable to quiet myself and take a pass on the learning that awaited. So I purchased the study manuals and found someone who had the knowledge I wanted and set out to learn. My mentor was not a certified teacher and it was not an accredited method, but I was able to quiet the uneasiness I had inside from not understanding what I so desperately wanted to know.

Interestingly I slowly grasped the great mysteries that science and math had so intricately hidden. I relentlessly spent an hour or two every night in my easy chair in the front room of my home for years learning what my wealthier peers uncovered in half the time in the classroom. But you can imagine my sense of wonder and accomplishment when I finally passed the government examination that licensed me to practice my newly learned skills.

Once that challenge was complete, my new study routine continued and I looked at other mental challenges. There were just so many things I wanted to learn. Eventually my nightly academics found me getting into philosophy and theology. Of course those ideas don't necessarily follow neat scientific laws or mathematical formulas, so the tension inside that led me into study was sometimes there when I came back out. I began to learn that not every problem has an easy or defined answer.

It was at this juncture that I began to see some studies ultimately do not bring peace to the tension of unknowing inside of me. Of course, as is all too often the case, I could just choose one specific answer to a question that had 10 correct and contradictory answers, and let my dogma or interpretation provide me the laziness to quit studying it. This works quite well in many religious denominations today.

But some of life's questions are just too important to resolve with dogma or interpretation. I want... no I NEED the real answer. Questions related to death, grieving, and suicide must be asked until I can ask them no more. I need to remember and relive every detail; I must consider every possible understanding seeking the answer to the unsolvable. But alas, in the end, some of these things are indeed unsolvable. Unless I grab onto some easy, defined answer I can't know peace from resolving these questions. Or can I?

There are three words (well one of them is a actually a concatenation of two words) that bring me rest at last when I have struggled until I can struggle no more. These three words, if I allow them to be enough, can bring me real and lasting peace. But it takes complete surrender and a truckload of wisdom to actually embrace the three words as the real answer to life's problem. Nonetheless, what peace and serenity are mine when I find their solution. These three wonderful words are: "I don't know."